Bell Recants, Piper Is Wright

In an unexpected press conference today, Rob Bell announced that he had changed his mind about his latest book, Love Wins, in which he questioned the traditional Christian view of hell. “My publisher pressured me to hold off on the announcement until after the current run of 10 million copies had been sold out,” said Bell. “But I felt that it was important to be totally clear about what I thought. In any case, I plan to write a follow-up volume, titled Piper Won, in which I will describe my change of mind on this important issue.” Bell also plans to release an emotive but vague video promoting the new book soon.

When asked about the reason for his sudden retraction, Bell cited John Piper’s famous text message, “Farewell, Rob Bell” as one of the most important influences. “I was especially moved by the care that Piper took to formulate his criticism in a pastorally crafted rhyme,” he said.

In a related story, John Piper has also reconciled himself to long time theological rival N.T. Wright. News crews were on hand at a pub in St. Andrews, Scotland, today to witness the consumption of a “peace beer” shared by the two Christian thinkers.  At the meeting Piper admitted that he had allowed his exegesis to be unduly influenced by certain 16th thinkers whom he had most likely misinterpreted anyway, and he promised to try harder to understand Wright’s massive books. Wright likewise admitted that it was a very humbling experience to be one of the only objective theologians in the world today, but there you had it.

After a second and third beer the two theologians stated that there was very little that they now disagreed on and that they would most likely write two new books together titled Piper at the Gates of Dawn and The Wrighteousenss of God.

Toward the end of the meeting, Wright was heard to say, “I’m probably going to regret this in the morning” and then, “Happy April Fools Day.”